Family Concerns That Therapy Isn't Working for Child

As counselors, we come in contact with clients who are aroused or heartbroken and oftentimes experience defeated. This sense of pain and loss is frequently realized in the forensic setting in which I work with parents who are desperate to rebuild a parent-kid human relationship that is severely damaged or estranged. I also piece of work with children who affirm that they never want to see or speak with one of their parents once again.

These are non parents who have abused or neglected their children. They are parents who previously had what would be characterized equally a practiced relationship with their children — until the fourth dimension of a separation or divorce. I take worked with families in which the conflict has continued for longer than 10 years prior to therapy.

Information technology should be noted that many people in the helping professions refer to this troubled parent-child relationship as "parental alienation." Through the years, various nomenclatures take been applied in an attempt to give this pathological post-divorce miracle a name. But fifty-fifty every bit we settle on what to call it, we must help these children and the counselors who work with them.

Nigh counselors working with children or families have witnessed this dynamic to varying degrees. In that location are ample articles on child breach, yet many counselors remain conflicted virtually how to effectively treat these troubled parent-kid relationships.

I'll provide a case example. "Sarah" contacted me and said she had been divorced for xv years. She told me she had been happily remarried for five years, held a doctorate degree in mathematics and was employed equally a full-time professor. Only she indicated she had a damaged relationship with her 15-year-old daughter, "Julie."

In chronicling her story in my role, Sarah vacillated between sobbing and seething with anger. She said that when Julie spent time with her biological begetter, "Michael," that he undermined Sarah's parenting boundaries, spoiled Julie and used every opportunity to denigrate Sarah. Sarah went on to say that she was worried because Julie was disregarding curfews and skipping classes, had been in trouble with the juvenile court system and had recently been caught smoking marijuana.

When I contacted Michael, he presented with a jovial disposition. He stated he was engaged to be married and was employed as a plumber. He initially appeared supportive of his daughter. Although he said he didn't see any reason that Julie might demand therapy, he indicated that he wasn't opposed.

When Julie'southward therapy sessions began, she insisted that she loathed her mother because Sarah was unreasonable. Julie stated that her female parent grounded her for "little" reasons such every bit skipping schoolhouse and smoking marijuana. When discussing her male parent's approach to parenting, Julie described Michael as a superb parent because he did not stoop to "ruining" her life. In addition, Julie mentioned that her male parent was planning on buying her a machine. She stated that her father would talk with her and not carry out "ridiculous, over-the-top consequences for petty, normal teenage mishaps."

Treatment tips

Step one: The kickoff step is to ask yourself if you possess the skills and advanced grooming to work with families engaged in transition and ongoing conflict. If not, that is OK. This is a adept time to seek referrals from colleagues who are comfortable with court-continued work.

Step two: When working with parents who are separated, divorced or are in the center of a child-custody evaluation, counselors should request a copy of the courtroom orders prior to starting treatment with their children. Counselors should exist aware that some parents "therapist shop" and are actively looking for a counselor who volition tell them what they want to hear, not necessarily what is helpful. Some potential clients are searching for a counselor to marshal with them and join in with them about how atrocious their ex-spouse is. Counselors should keep in mind that failure to contact the child'due south other parent may introduce a host of problems (for case, lath complaints), especially if the parent seeking handling for the kid does not have the correct to practice then per court social club. Also make certain to obtain all necessary releases before conversing with any previous counselors who have worked with the family members.

Footstep 3: Counselors working with parents who are irrationally rejected by their children need to be well-versed in the literature. Failing to recognize and care for alienated children and their parents prolongs emotional damage for the child and tin can harm the unabridged family system.

Step iv: As a counselor, you must know who the client is. Are you lot working with the child, the child and the parent(s), or one/both of the parents? It is vital to understand how the client concluded upwardly in your office. Additionally, your function must exist clear. Are you lot working as a court-appointed counselor or a courtroom-involved counselor? Recognize that in cases of child breach, other parties — such every bit other counselors, attorneys or parenting coordinators — are frequently involved.

Footstep five: Know your definitions, but do not diminish your clients by labeling them. When conversing with other professionals, it is acceptable to refer to the parent to whom the kid aligns equally the "favored" parent. The "rejected" parent (or "target" parent) is the parent whom the child rejects or refuses to spend time with. When working with the courts, and depending on their jurisdiction, counselors may want to utilise behavioral descriptions, not diagnostic labels.

Counselors should call back to focus on behaviors that can exist described. Although it is acceptable to discuss the concept of triangulation, gatekeeping, pathological alignment or irrational alienation with your colleagues, it is non helpful to apply these terms with clients.

Step six: Do not diagnose if yous have not actually met the customer or witnessed the parent-kid interactions. For instance, if i parent seeks your services and reports that the other parent is alienating the child and is a narcissist and/or borderline, you cannot diagnose that other parent every bit borderline because you have not met with or witnessed that parent.

Therapeutic fallacies

Richard Warshak is a world-renowned expert on parental breach. He has written countless peer-reviewed publications on custody disputes, divorce, alienated children and stepfamilies, and has developed educational materials. Warshak recently provided strategies that can guide counselors in working with this difficult parent-kid dynamic. According to a written report he published earlier this twelvemonth (see http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2015-27699-001/), several fallacies can compromise the therapeutic process.

• Children never unreasonably reject the parent with whom they spend the virtually time. The start fallacy counselors should recognize is that more time does not necessarily equal quality time. Using rapid clinical judgment, it is easy to conclude that a kid identifies with the parent whom he or she sees the about. If counselors practise non recognize this fallacy, they may determine that the parent must have done something that warranted poor treatment by the child. This line of thinking contributes to additional emotional distress. In turn, under this supposition, counselors can continue the lookout for flaws within the rejected parent to substantiate their behavior. Counselors should exist aware that when a child spends time with the nonresidential parent, that parent could exist using that limited fourth dimension to teach the child to boldness and disobey the custodial parent. To offset this fallacy, counselors must cease thinking in unidimensional terms.
• Children never unreasonably reject mothers. According to Warshak's study, "Those who believe mothers cannot exist the victims of their children'due south irrational rejection are predisposed to believe that children who reject their mothers have expert reason for doing so." He advises that counselors should keep an open mind about both parents and consider that mothers may be rejected without good reason.
• Each parent contributes equally to a kid's alienation. Counselors should not generalize that both parents are ever equally at fault for a child's alienation. Counselors would not place equal blame for intimate partner violence on the victim. Besides, it is not helpful to equally blame both parents for a child'southward unwarranted rejection when one parent may be instigating the kid'south actions and attitudes.

Ane bias that comes into play is repetition bias. Those working in the field are permeated with the term "high disharmonize" and may deem that parental breach is synonymous with that term. As described by Warshak, the term high conflict "implies joint responsibleness for generating conflict."

In my practice, I adult a nuanced view. In that location are times when both parents contribute to and could benefit from parenting education or family therapy. However, in the instance of Sarah and Michael, Michael openly defied the court'due south orders, ultimately refusing to let Sarah spend time with their girl. He as well denigrated Sarah in front of the child. I would not exist practicing the concept of "not-maleficence" when working with Sarah if I were to propose that she was at mistake. Demanding more of Sarah and blaming her just adds insult to injury.

Equally Warshak points out, "When the rejected parent'southward behavior is inaccurately assumed to exist a major factor in the children's alienation, therapy proceeds in unproductive directions." At this point, counselors may wonder, "What am I to practise?" A counselor should remain neutral and avoid making unwarranted assumptions.

• Alienation is a child's transient, short-lived response to the parents' separation. This fallacy is damaging because child alienation may be accounted to exist a normal byproduct of divorce that volition resolve on its own. Prior to going into private practice, I co-led a support group for adults who had lost all contact with their children. These cases were not due to a groundwork of abuse or neglect; instead, many involved a contentious divorce.

Unfortunately, some counselors espouse the notion that the kid should decide when to meet the rejected parent and suggest that over time, the child will come around. In some cases, the child may re-plant a human relationship with the parent. However, non all children reconnect. And fifty-fifty if they do, parents cannot reclaim lost time.

Counselors empathise that they should practice within the scope of their license. In many states, counselors are prohibited from making access or possession determinations. Counselors do not have the correct to replace a court society and tell an alienated child that he or she does not have to spend time with the rejected parent. Again, information technology is necessary to obtain a copy of the client'due south current court orders prior to starting counseling.

Another practise tip is that counselors should encourage the parent who is the target of unwarranted rejection to remain in constant contact with his or her children. Counselors can also aid parents in knowing and agreement the stages of development and helping parents to codify proper responses to a kid'due south verbal insults.

• Rejecting a parent is a healthy short-term coping mechanism. Counselors tin can identify this fallacy by reflecting on common biases, many which are covered in counseling programs. Counselors must be cautious near the bias of wishful thinking because information technology provides a false hope to clients. Every bit Warshak (2015) explains, "Counselors who believe that rejection of a parent is a salubrious adaptation encourage parents to accept the children's negativity until the children feel fix to discard it." He goes on to say that "this is especially true when therapists assume that the alienation is destined to be brusk-lived." Although we have specialized training every bit counselors, it is of import to remember that we cannot predict futurity outcomes.

Another way to think about parental rejection is to consider whether the parents would ignore their child refusing to speak to one of the parents if the whole family notwithstanding resided together. Understandably, virtually would find this unacceptable.

• Alienated adolescents' stated preferences should dominate decisions. This fallacy can be start by using analytical thinking and a bones agreement of brain development. Many adolescents know more about adult matters than we would want them to know. Regardless, adolescents are not adults and should not brand adult decisions. Adolescents are prone to peer force per unit area and are in the procedure of discovering their identity. Most adults cannot imagine asking if an adolescent would similar to attend school. Every bit Warshak writes, "Adolescents' vulnerability to external influence is why parents are wise to worry about the visitor their teenagers keep."

Counselors can aid rejected parents to not personalize it when a teenager has a soccer game and prefers to forego parent-child fourth dimension. Or when working with a favored parent who claims the child does non savour time with the target parent, counselors can indicate out that some adolescents do not enjoy their homework, but they are expected to practise it anyway.

Treatment goals and tips

When working with the child:

• Promote a salubrious relationship with both parents.
• Assistance the child to right cognitive distortions.
• Piece of work with the child to maintain a balanced view of both parents.
• Better the child's critical thinking skills.
• Recognize when a kid'southward behavior is incongruent from one setting to the next.
• Augment the kid's coping skills.

When working with the rejected parent:

• Recognize that the parent may feel misunderstood.
• Work with the parent non to counter-reject the child.
• Exist aware of avoidance and passivity; the parent may want to escape the poor treatment of the ex-spouse and the child by avoiding the problem altogether.

When working with the favored parent:

• Recognize in that location may exist a role reversal. The child may be coming together the emotional needs of the parent. Help the parent recognize his or her office as a parent and encourage the parent to appoint in adult relationships to find emotional support.
• Go along an centre open for enmeshment. What might initially appear as a salubrious parent-kid relationship could be extremely unhealthy. For instance, at that place may be a lack of community or family support.
• Recognize that children mostly benefit from the interest of parents, absence corruption or fail. Realize that some rejected parents may have personality disorders and continue to instigate court hearings or defy court orders.

The do's and don'ts

• Do not recommend a alter in custody if one parent is behaving desperately. Custody reversal may be necessary in some cases, but it is non the part of the counselor to brand that determination.

• Do not marshal with one parent over the other.

• Do cooperate with parenting coordinators and the courts.

• Do recognize that parents in litigation are likely to be working toward an adult-oriented outcome — namely to prevail in court.

• Practice consider a diverseness of explanations when working with a child or teenager who irrationally rejects a parent.

• Practice not discard information that is inconsistent with the counselor'southward viewpoint.

*****

Monika Logan is a licensed professional advisor living in Dallas who specializes in troubled parent-child relationships and sexual beliefs problems. In add-on to maintaining a private practise and doing court-connected work, she recently developed a plan to aid youth in the criminal justice organization maintain boundaries both offline and online and stay continued with their families. Contact her at mlogan@texaspcs.org.

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Source: https://ct.counseling.org/2015/12/parent-child-relationship-problems-treatment-tools-for-rectification-counseling/

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